Depression

I guess Im in the midst of depression where all I wanna do is NOTHING. No goals, feeling useless and hopeless (besides God), fatigue ahhhhh..... I'm not happy. I hate everything coming my way. I hate my job. I hate the people. I just hate being here. Recently, I've made a research on the symptoms of depression and somehow all matches what I've gone thru and what I thought and all. The main symptom that shocked me was Suicide. The attempt of suicide comes in my mind all the time. I know it's not the best solution to make things better but it just pops in my scumbag brain all the time. I know its stupid and selfish but I cant help it. Now Im married, my priorities will all go to my partner (duh). Anyway, yes I just got hitched a month ago. It was a tring yet precious moment for me which I will never forget. Dont get me wrong, yes I am happy and lucky that Im married to the love of my life. Im blessed that I've found someone who love me for who I am. Yes, my temper wasn't that good but Im trying to fix it. Somehow I feel sad about something which bothers me so much that I can't even identify what is it. Sometimes I just wish that I could disappear even wanna go somewhere else to relax my mind. I just cannot take it anymore...

Dear Blog,

So many things happen these few days..family, relationship and all. Sometimes, I just wanna run away and escape and sometimes I just wish that all these never happened. What bothers me now is the people Im living with and the people Im dealing with. So lets start with the people Im living with and that would be someone who is close to me but there's some issues which creates a distance between us. One of it, money. Money has become the main issue and it's the root of all evil ( I MUST ADMIT THAT). It is when money cause relationship damage. Words can be so cruel which damages the heart of those who save every penny just to live and keep up with everyday lives. When it comes to money, there will be an issue and when there's an issue someone will get hurt. Now, when you ask help from God, did he ask for any money? No. Of course, to be fair, everyone should contribute their share but it depends on ones capability. Now, Im not saying that it is a must for those who is capable to bear everything or more share but dont you have the heart to think of people's difficulties while you are living a luxury life? Aren't it hurtful to know that people look down on you and telling demotivating words to you when you have tried your best to work it out? A failure person in the past, doesnt mean they cant be successful one day. Cant you just give that person a chance and to be proud of what they have been doing? Instead of condemning them, why cant you see any good side in them? Maybe in financial wise, they cant help you but what about a helping hand with a sincere heart? So, for me, money is the root of all kind evil. Now relationship, Im happy there's not much money issue in it but perhaps someday. Cant promise anything but at the mean time, it shouldnt be a problem because we dont put money first. We put trust, respect, honesty and love. I guess I'll just stop here at the moment.. will continue again sooner..

Alone

Since I have no one to share with, this is the only place I can express my feelings with where there will be no answer back. Well, its April already, things aren't going quite well. Emotional strikes, no one to share but once you share it, things will go different. I just have to tell myself keep moving, keep moving.. Dont look back Ivy. Words had been said but it cannot be erase so we just swallow it.

Let the counting begins!

So as you can see from the title above, what am I counting for? Can you hear the wedding bells from far? Yes, Ivy is getting married!!!! I'm so excited coz I'm getting married to the man that I love in less than 8 months!!!! Holy Lord, and I haven't prepare anything yet except for the venue. So, there's a tick for that *phew*. Oh and not forgetting my actual day photographer, so yay!!! Another tick on the list. Basically I've done a few research on my bridesmaid's dress and all. But what's bugging me is my pre-wedding photoshoot. I cant decide which bridal shop to go to ( though I ever mentioned that I does not care much about it but the truth is I really do mind about the quality of it and what's the benefit that they can give me, fussy much? I don't think so! =D). To be honest, I can't find the gowns that I really love like seriously there's non. But I shall thanks to my childhood friend Ollie for solving my wedding gown's issue and I don't have to worry much on "What to choose for my actual day". So that's that and now for the videographers which I haven't found any and somehow not really that important to me but it will when the day comes.. hmmmm tsk tsk... such a horrible bride-to-be. I really wish someone can do all these so I dont have to worry much or stress about it and make myself moody and all. But yeah, I need to enjoy this coz it's once in the lifetime thing you know. So bear with me Ivy!!! Stay intact!!! Holy Moly...come to think of it, it aint easy to organize a wedding. There's so much in the list that I haven't even start yet. I guess I shall stay focus so I wont be a bridezilla bride when the date gets near. I guess that's it for now. I'll blog again if there's any updates. Bye.

Past Tense

Its 2015. By looking back at those photos gave me a lil shiver and heartbreak. I don't know why I did it. To know that I'm gonna regret but I don't care what its gonna take and how it gonna break me more in the future. The scar that cannot be mend completely as the wound was too deep. Mistakes can't be forgiven and the memories of it haunts me. I still remembered the time when I was on a trip to Port Dickson with my sister. It was the most painful vacay that I've ever been in my entire life. I almost take my life away but I didn't. To think that there's love ones that still wait for me and love me. I cant be that selfish. Her name is still linger in me. What she had done makes me more in pain. But that's the past. Many ask me, why would I still linger around the past? In my defence, it's just a sharp memory which I could not erase... it's been 3 years already.. and... I guess I'm getting better each day as I decided to put down the past. To know that I couldn't erase or change the past, I just need to keep moving. As for my side, I guess... I've regretted for what I've done and to think about how stupid I was, I just feel like strangling myself for I could not forgive myself.